How To Know When A Narcissist is Discarding You

It can be the hardest feeling in the world knowing that you love someone who doesn’t love you back. Putting your blood sweat and tears into a relationship, only to be easily forgotten or discarded when the other person’s needs are met, and they no longer have use for you. It can take you by surprise and hurt you a tremendous amount. You go through the process of grieving about being carelessly dumped. There’s still another process of grief and shock to go through when you find out the person that you were with is a narcissist. Being dumped and discarded after you find out that your partner is a narcissist takes on a different meaning. You began to wonder, “did I miss something? Were there signs that this person was using me and going to leave?” These are the signs a narcissist is preparing to discard you:

  • The calls or contact becomes less frequent. As a narcissist is preparing themselves to disconnect with you, the contact decreases. Their calls become less frequent, and initially, they may counter this by offering excuses as to why they stopped calling. As time goes on, they cease to contact you at all.
  • The physical intimacy stops, or they become “cold.” As narcissists are discarding you, the signs will also show up in physical intimacy. While they may have not had any issue with initiating sex with you previously; during the discard phase, they completely withdraw from physical intimacy with you. They create distance by blocking intimacy, and without giving a reason why. Another common action they may take is distancing themselves in bed, by sleeping on the far end of the bed or sleeping in another location, thereby reducing physical contact while sleeping.
  • The smear campaign intensifies. During the discard phase, the narcissist will talk with anyone and everyone about their dissatisfaction with you and their relationship with you. They make you the enemy or the reason for the demise of the relationship. They also aim to form an alliance by trying to ensure that others develop a strong dislike for you.
  • Have begun a relationship with someone else. Narcissists are known to have a “rotation” of people with whom they may carry on affairs. They often have a new partner that they have begun seeing before they end their relationship with you.
  • Ghosting you. Narcissists will often ghost you several times during the duration of the relationship. Initially, they may offer excuses as to why they haven’t contacted you. The ghosting may initially be for intermittent periods and then stretch to much longer periods of time.
  • Focused on destroying or eliminating you. A narcissist who is focused on destroying is a safety concern. They will stop at nothing to make sure that you are gone from their lives for good. Leaving you is not good enough. They may not want a relationship with you anymore, but they also don’t want anyone else to have one with you either.
  • Intentionally create chaos or fights so that they can leave. A narcissist will create a fight as a rouse so that they can have an excuse to blame you for the state of the relationship and exit out of the front door quickly. You will often be left wondering “why were we fighting” or “where did that come from?” The chaos and the confusion allow them to slip away while you are unknowingly trying to work out your differences.
  • Clean out the bank accounts. As the narcissist is preparing to leave, they want to make sure that their needs are well taken care of. Their money is their money, and your money becomes theirs for the taking. Therefore, they feel entitled to take all your money and possibly your valuables to bankroll their lifestyle. They feel that your finances are theirs for the taking.
  • Their rage against you intensifies. Narcissists may exhibit extreme fits of rage or mood swings because they are unable to manage their emotions and they are ready to leave the relationship for good. They become inappropriately enraged at small things and may lash out by yelling, being destructive, vandalizing things, and making veiled threats towards you or other family members.
  • Lack of concern about the consequences you will endure because of them leaving. During the discard phase, the narcissist is concerned about their own welfare. They are no longer concerned with you and any hardships that you are currently going through. If you are financially drained because of paying for their lifestyle – they are not interested in your problems with money. They are more invested in moving on to the next target.

A narcissist who is preparing to discard you is looking to leave the relationship. There is nothing that you can do to stop them or change their minds. Even if you tried, they would escalate into extreme fits of anger typically. They get a special enjoyment out of watching you suffer during the discard phase, because in their mind – you deserve it.

If you have experienced discard or destruction at the hands of a narcissist and you are interested in counseling or coaching services, please schedule a consultation with me for individual or group counseling here or sign up for my group or individual membership coaching services here.

If you would like to listen to the podcast I recorded on this narcissist discard, please click here or you can also watch the video podcast here.


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This blog was written by Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD, LPCC. This blog is meant to be educational and not meant to diagnose anyone or to be used in place of therapy or treatment with a licensed mental health professional.

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© 2021 Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD, LPCC

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