Quick Reference Guide: 5 Reasons Why You Attract Narcissistic Lovers

Have you ever been the one to say, “there are no good men/women out there?” Maybe you have lost faith in humankind because you seem to only attract narcissistic people. There is a reason why you attract the same types of toxic people, and your relationship plays the same script with a different lover. Narcissistic people are drawn to those who have certain characteristics. Check out the list below to see how many of these traits apply to you or someone you know that is in a relationship with a narcissistic person.

1. You care and you listen. You are the type of person who cares about other people, and hate to see other people suffering. Therefore, you are likely to be a listener, a caregiver, a problem-solver, or a super sensitive and empathic individual. You are sympathetic to the needs of others, and therefore likely to listen to someone tell you their story of sorrow or help a friend out of a jam. Thus, a narcissistic person knows that a person as caring and supportive as you is more likely to put their needs ahead of your own, regardless of the cost.

2. You want to be loved and accepted and you are willing to give more of yourself. People who attract narcissistic individuals are more likely to have suffered from emotional and verbal abuse while they were growing up from one or both parents. Thus, this makes you more likely to long for a loving relationship that you have long sought after. You want to be accepted and you crave affection from someone. You want to be someone’s everything, and a narcissistic lover will promise you that – at least in the beginning.

3. You are in a vulnerable position. Typically, when a narcissistic person is drawn to you, they devise a cheap con to reel you in; hook, line, and sinker. Thus, they tell you everything that you want to hear. People are more likely to believe in a wonderful con if things aren’t going well in their lives, or they are under a huge amount of stress. You are more likely to grab on to anyone that instills hope, and promises you the moon and the stars if you been seeing nothing but darkness for some time. Have you ever heard the saying – if he/she is too good to be true, then they usually are? In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissistic individual, they are usually prince charming or princess wonderful; only to then turn into the dark knight or the ice queen.

4. You are alone, or you don’t have many stable relationships. Again, if a person wants to sell you a con, they typically do it when you are most vulnerable. If you don’t have a strong support system, or if you spend most of your time alone, you may be more susceptible to an abusive relationship. When you have a healthy tribe of people in your corner, they are going to point out the characteristics of a person who they feel isn’t quite right for you, because they have your best interest at heart and they want to protect you. A narcissistic person is more likely to be drawn to someone who doesn’t have a lot of emotional support, because they are easier to manipulate and pray upon. If you do have a strong support system, they will typically try to separate you from your loved ones by telling you things like “that person is jealous of you. They don’t want to see you happy. They are just trying to break us up. He/She isn’t happy anyway.” A narcissistic partner will do anything to cast doubt on those who care for you to try and separate you from your support network.

5. You have something they want, and they know you are going to give it to them with some manipulation. For a narcissistic person to be in a relationship with you, they need to get something out of the relationship with you. In other words, being with you is going to benefit them in some way. This could be financially, sexually, or some other opportunity.  They exist by using you to get their needs met. If they can’t use you, then they have no use for you. Thus, a narcissistic partner is more likely to rush you into a relationship that requires you to make a fast commitment (they do not feel obligated to commit to you). Thus, they are likely to rush you into a sexual relationship, marriage, or move in after a short amount of time. Perhaps they are looking for a mother, a banker, someone who will make them look good or help them get a promotion in life, or perhaps free rent. They will “sweep you off your feet in a whirlwind romance” in a jiffy, only for it to come crashing down shortly thereafter.

While this list isn’t all inclusive, it can be a quick reference for your review if you or someone that you know has been involved in relationships with narcissistic people. The bottom line is that a narcissistic person is looking for a way to get their needs met, and they are looking for the perfect person to use. If you feel like this list resonates with you, think about what it is that stands out for you. If you find that you want to explore these issues more, or need some additional support; scheduled a consultation here to see how I can help.

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This blog was written by Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD, LPCC. This blog is meant to be educational and not meant to diagnose anyone or to be used in place of therapy or treatment with a licensed mental health professional.

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